theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize