He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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