Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
