I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
