VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
