Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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