cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
