I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
