:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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