i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
