Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
