My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
