How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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