420 ftw
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
