How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
