my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
