when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Less talking, more tequila
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
