Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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