Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
