Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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