the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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