Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
