I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
