Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
