What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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