Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
