my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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