Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
