You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
