Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
