Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize