i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
