my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Is Oprah even human
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