He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
