By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
