sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Randomize
