weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize