Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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