Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
