Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
