wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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