I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
