Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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