U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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