I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
