I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
