Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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