it hurts more in the daytime
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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