he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
