three words: i give head
three words: not that well
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
