I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize