I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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