take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
