I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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