Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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