I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
