does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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