my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
