Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
