Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
